Bleib bei mir
by ternsnake
Summary: Second and  probably  last multichapter fic I'm gonna write, phew. It's about what can happen if you get too caught up in thoughts and the significance of things. And it's about nothing at all. Also, the chapters are relatively short.
1. Nothing

**Soo... After months of not getting my ass up to finish this, and weeks of having it finished but leaving it to rot somewhere in a folder, I finally decided to upload another fic... (Second in the 'giving fics uncreative **_**German**_** titles. 'Bleib bei mir' translates to 'Stay by/with me'.)**

**It's all thanks to Red (TheRedLightning), because she kept telling me she'd oil (yeah, oil) and feather me if I don't do anything soon. I also tried to have her beta-read it, but that didn't really work, so please forgive the errors that you might find... I'm pretty oblivious when it comes to typos. .**

**For this fic, I don't own anything, and there **_**will **_**be violence in the near future. So if you don't like that, give reading this a second thought please. xD (It's not in this chapter, though.)**

**So, thank you Red, and the rest of you, enjoy the fic.**

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Ice as far as one could see, clouded grey sky that promised never-ending snowfall, and temperatures that allowed no living creature to survive on their own in this merciless white desert. Really, what were they doing there? Hyuuga stared down the map unfolded in front of him, boredom mixed with irritation, as if his half-glare could make the paper turn interesting. But nothing happened and he shook his head - why did someone draw a map for this place to begin with? There was nothing to know about, _nothing_. It was empty, lifeless area, one or two hills every now and then, but besides that, everything was flat and extremely boring. The map was, of course, just as empty and therefore pretty pointless. But since it was light and small they had still taken it with them.

_Because we need to know about every hill in the area. _Hyuuga rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses and then smiled, grabbing a pencil. There actually was something good about this empty map - much drawing space. But then again, there was nothing to draw. His imagination was kidnapped, tortured and painfully killed by the empty whiteness - easy to underestimate, but merciless and cruel, not only with life. Sadly, when it came down to the fight of fantasy against nothingness... Nothingness still won, swallowed it all. A voice called him back into reality, like it did so often, and for once he didn't mind.

"What exactly are you planning on doing with that pencil and that map?"

Hyuuga looked up and smiled, throwing his thoughts about life and fantasy and _nothing _aside, as he met the gaze of violet eyes that were just as empty as the map.

"Nothing at all, Aya-tan. As you can see, I'm just holding a pencil, and the map just happened to lay around here. No harm done." Hyuuga grinned and threw the pencil aside while looking around a bit. There _had _to be something interesting, but actually there was nothing but Aya-tan that could possibly stop (t)his boredom.

"Why are we even doing this?" He got up while sticking a lollipop into his mouth walking a few steps to call his feet back from the dead. "I mean... Not that I don't like Antwort... No wait, _I actually don't like Antwort_, but still, why are we going here _yet again_?"

"We're sent to find the ship that crashed over enemy territory and retrieve survivors of the crew that fell into the enemy's hands."

"...Yeah right. _Why _did that ship crash in the first place?"

"That's of no importance for our mission."

"They didn't even tell us? Wow, they're really praying for our death with all they have right now, hah!" Hyuuga laughed and turned back to the window and the snowy landscape. "Too bad for them. Even if this is the land where hell froze over, they won't get rid of us with _nothing_."

"You never know. If nothing on earth can harm you, then maybe it's nothing itself that'll kill you."

"Yes... Wha?" Hyuuga tilted his head, trying to sort the words out in his mind. It wasn't that hard, really, but if it was _Aya-tan_ who said it, there was probably more to it... But what? Hyuuga decided to just shake it off. "I doubt we'll be killed by nothing, because if nothing kills us, we won't be killed, and won't die, and therefore nothing will kill us, and we'll live and be killed by nothing... See what you've done to me!" Hyuuga turned around, pouting with the lolli in his mouth. "Stop talking such cryptic stuff!"

"It wasn't cryptic."

"To me it very well was!"

"That's not my problem, is it?"

"How about caring about _my _problems, too?"

"Not if it's something as ridiculous as you confusing yourself with your own words."

"Those were _your _words."

"Wrong."

"I'm not!"

At that point, Ayanami just turned around and disappeared from the room, leaving Hyuuga alone with the snow, once again. "Aya-tan is mean. He knows I'm right." Hyuuga pouted once more and sucked on his lolli, but had already forgotten what he was talking about when the ruins of a giant ship came in sight - a ship exactly like the one they were flying with.

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"Konatsu, what are you doing?" Hyuuga was horrified to see his Begleiter busy with paperwork yet again, even while being far, far away from their desks and everything connected to them.

"I'm working, Major Hyuuga."

"But we already arrived at the crashed ship!"

"I'll finish this one quickly."

"I'm not waiting here!" Hyuuga called while already making his way back through the corridors. They'd land here, get off and start searching for... Yeah, for what? Footsteps? Unlikely, the snow hat long washed away all traces, like the sea water did to those in sand. But then again, everything was better than sitting around any longer, he just couldn't take this boredom anymore.

Ayanami was already waiting, instructing the small group that should help with the searching. They hadn't taken many men with them - not even all of the Black Hawks. Only Ayanami, Hyuuga and Konatsu went along - with all the trouble around the Eye of Mikhail, Ayanami decided to have Katsuragi stay back, leaving Kuroyuri with him, just in case. They'd be back within few days, anyway, so why going through the trouble of bringing along many soldiers, when one Black Hawk was enough to take care of Antwort's whole army?

The moment they stepped out of the ship, Hyuuga started rethinking that. Maybe it would've been better to just stay in the ship... There was a strange atmosphere around them.

"Konatsu, I've got a bad feeling about this!" he warned the Begleiter that was walking right next to him.

"I think it's called cold, Major Hyuuga." the blonde boy replied.

"I agree." Ayanami was walking ahead, looking around, searching for anything that could help with the mission.

"Great, now you're _both _mean! See, I was right with that bad feeling!"

There was a sigh from Konatsu, but else, silence as they walked further into the empty desert, the men splitting up until they were scattered into small groups, small black dots all over the white.

The silence came to an end when the first enemies were sighted and soon came at them from every direction.

"So they did ambush us." Ayanami said while already trying to calculate the losses they'd have to take at the end of the battle.

"Now it's getting interesting~ Let's go Konatsu, off to the right, you go and help the poor guys over there." Hyuuga commanded while drawing one of his swords. Konatsu wordlessly followed the order while doing the same.

The dark haired swordsman was glad to have some action after all the sitting, though if the strange feeling never quite left him, even when the heat of battle had long driven the outer cold away. Ayanami didn't actually fight much, since Hyuuga was taking most of the men coming at them, he tried to find out the meaning of this attack. It didn't exactly take him long to do that.

"We've come for nothing. They've probably killed all men that were on the ship, else they wouldn't attack us so openly. The mission was pointless from the beginning."

"Great, I _knew _it! All for _nothing_! Heh, didn't we already talk about that?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe, my ass... Oh, looks like Konatsu's having problems over there, I'll go help him~" Which was a lie, Konatsu was doing fine, but most of the enemies were trying to attack the normal soldiers, and the major didn't want to miss the fun. "I'll be right back, will you be fine on your own for a minute?" he asked teasingly while trying not to sink into the snow too deeply.

"Of course."

"Lie~"

"..."

Hyuuga laughed and made his way over to where most of the fight took place. Now that all allies had disappeared from Ayanami's attack range, he started using his Zaiphon instead of his sword, while watching the snow slowly stain with more and more blood.

If it would rain blood instead of water, and water was flowing through everyone's veins instead of blood... It'd also snow blood, and the snow would be red from the start. If colorless blood would be spilled over blood red snow, would the snow turn white again?

_It wouldn't._

Because it doesn't matter whether it got stained with time, or was stained from the start. It can't become pure again.

In the midst of enemies, fighting and blood, no one saw one of Antwort's soldiers halting, looking around and quietly taking out a fuse.

In the blink of an eye, the snow under their feet disappeared, all colors mixed together and, finally, became light, throwing everything into even more blinding, endless white.


	2. Three days

**So, here's chapter 2. Did I say something about violence? Yeah, it kinda starts here. I think it's not **_**too **_**bad, but then again, that might be just me. Red called me a meanie, but I had a lot of fun writing this. I hope you'll enjoy it, too.**

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The first thing Hyuuga saw when he woke up was... Nothing. After a short time of confusion and blinking, he at least managed to make out lights and shadows. He started reaching out with his hand and making sure he wasn't missing any body parts, though he had no idea what had happened. They went to Antwort, but other than that, everything was hazy.

"Aya-tan? Konatsu?"

No one answered.

"Waah, Konatsu, I'm sorry! I know you told me a million times I shouldn't look into the sun, I know I should've listened! But I thought that's what my sunglasses were there for!"

Then he noticed it. His sunglasses, they were gone. Well, that surely didn't feel right anymore, but besides a dull pain from his back he couldn't make out any injuries. After a few minutes he could see again, though everything was a bit blurry. He was obviously back inside of the aircraft, lying on a couch, and wondered if they were already on their way back. His thoughts were interrupted when he heard a door opening and turned around to find Konatsu carrying blankets instead of stacks of paperwork this time.

"Ah, Major Hyuuga, you're awake." Konatsu said, but obviously somewhat distracted as if there was something he tried to figure out in his mind.

"Yeah, yeah~ Are those for me? Aw, you're such a good mother, Konatsu~ "

The blonde just sighed, obviously not in the mood for such games. "Not really, though you can have some. I just decided to check your condition while passing by."

"Did I cause you worry? I'm sorry then." he grinned and didn't really sound very sorry, either. But then an idea came to his mind. "Was Aya-tan worried~?"

Konatsu gave him a short, unsure look, then continued to throw two blankets besides the major. "I don't know." he finally said.

Hyuuga tilted his head, not quite satisfied. "Well yeah, I guess so. Not that he'd say or show it. He's always such a killjoy~" he hummed while playing with the blankets. "I bet he's back to work already."

Konatsu looked like he wanted to say something, but decided against it and turned to leave the room. Hyuuga decided to get up and leave with him, but was greeted with an annoyed glare. "Major Hyuuga, please stay here and rest."

"Nah, Konatsu, it's boring here. All alone's no fun, ya know? I'm gonna search Aya-tan and ask him for candy."

But his begleiter didn't move from his position in front of the door. "I don't think that would be... Appropriate in this situation."

Hyuuga gave Konatsu a confused look, that was all.

"Really, please just stay here for now."

Now those dark blue eyes narrowed a bit. "You're acting all suspicious, is there something going on I'm not allowed to know about? Is Aya-tan angry at me? Well then that's got nothing to do with you."

"No, that's not it..."

Hyuuga scowled, growing annoyed with the way he wasn't getting anywhere with his questions. In one swift movement, he was behind Konatsu and out of the door, making his way down the corridor. The blonde boy dropped the covers he was carrying and took off after his superior. The soldiers walking down the hallways didn't pay attention to them and Hyuuga noticed everything was pretty normal - besides that most of the men they met were injured, but then again it must've been a hard fight if even he himself got wounded - there was no reason for Konatsu being so eager about him not leaving the room. Coming to that conclusion, he stopped and let his begleiter catch up to him.

"So what's the deal? Everything looks just fine." Besides him having neither sunglasses, nor candy, that is.

"Yes!" Konatsu stated. "There's no need for you to leave your room. Just go back and get some rest."

"I wanted an answer, Konatsu. If Aya-tan doesn't want to see, me, he could tell me himself. No wait, then he'd see me, so he couldn't. But it's not fair if he doesn't, though Aya-tan isn't exactly a person who values fairness. But why would he not want to see me? Konatsu?"

The boy hadn't said anything until now and sighed. "I'm sure that's not it, major. You got it all wrong."

"Then tell me what's it. What's wrong?" his eyes narrowed at Konatsu.

His begleiter didn't answer.

"What's with Aya-tan?" his voice had taken a threatening tone by now, if the fun ended he could always force an answer. "Tell me, that's an order."

At that Konatsu looked around and then up at Hyuuga. "I don't know! No one knows where he went, because the explosion knocked everyone out! I was just one of the first to wake up, and we searched everywhere for injured and unconscious men, and I found you almost completely covered in snow already, but I didn't find Ayanami-sama! I made sure I searched thrice everywhere around where I last saw him, but there's no mistake that he's gone!" He took a breath to calm himself down, and since Hyuuga hadn't said a word he continued quickly. "I'm sure there's no need to worry, he probably took off to capture one of the enemy leaders. Surely he wants to know what happened before we arrived."

Hyuuga just looked at Konatsu. He was a bit angry at the boy, that he had tried to keep that information from him, but then again there were more important matters right now. The latter of what his begleiter had said, he hadn't really heard, hadn't really listened to it anymore. Because it sounded nice, but he knew better. _They _knew better. There was no way Konatsu really believed his own words, he just couldn't do any more than he'd done already. The Aya-tan he, they, knew would never leave his injured men behind like they were just thrown-away trash. Something else must've happened, he was sure. Only one thing left to ask.

"How much time has passed?"

"Ah, I was really worried, you were unconscious for quite some time..."

"How long, Konatsu?"

"...Three days."

Oh, how Hyuuga hated when he was right.

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When Ayanami woke up, he had less trouble seeing than Hyuuga, since his regeneration ability was on a much higher level. But then again, there wasn't much to be seen, besides his legs and the ground beneath. He was sitting on a chair, the hands bound behind the back, chains obviously made for restricting zaiphon, since he didn't feel any of his dark power in his body. But the material itself felt brittle, easy to destroy with a normal sword. Antwort wasn't that far with technology, it seemed, but that thought didn't help much, since he didn't have any weapons at all and could barely move.

Except - his legs were, for some reason, free. Ayanami scowled, that was some way to restrain someone - he could just find a way to get up from the chair and walk away. Well, almost, because then he noticed the reason no other shackles were necessary - he couldn't even feel most of his legs, nor his fingers and lower arms. The cold was awful, biting and cutting into his skin still. He knew it'd become numb at some point, but it seemed he wasn't that far yet. Slowly more and more pain came back into his body, and with it the memories.

Ah, right. Antwort. The ambush. The explosion. He raised his head, but the room he was in was dark and completely silent. He pulled on the chains binding his wrists, something he barely had the strength for, but noticed that it was pointless. Better save the energy and wait for chance for escape to come.

But nothing happened. Only when he was on the verge of losing consciousness again, he heard the screech of an old door being forced open and heavy steps approaching him. Ayanami raised his head again, two men that had entered the room and were now looking down on him, as if they had no clue what to do with him. But then one man grinned and gave the other one a short nod. "Yeah, that's him. Chief of Staff Ayanami-sama, huh?" He looked down on the silver-haired man again, still grinning. "Well, he can't be that great if we caught him. Still, I have to admit you're not that bad. I never heard of anyone standing that close to the center of an explosion and not getting ripped apart. Besides, I thought you'd stay out cold for at least one or two days, but it's only been a few hours. You're quite a tough brat, aren't you?" He laughed, and if Ayanami's eyes could grow any colder, they'd probably do so now. "We're gonna have a lot of fun, you and me and him." he gestured at the other man, who was only watching and not taking part in the speech. Speech, because it couldn't really be called a conversation, could it?

"If you're really _that _death god they're talking about, I won't have to worry about you kicking the bucket too early."

Ayanami just stared back up at him, not wavering for a second though the man was right. Usually, torturing (and he was sure it was torture he was talking about, something he was an expert in) demanded a lot of skill, keeping the victim on the edge to break the mind - without breaking the body, because then you wouldn't get any information anymore. But now that was his disadvantage - having powers that didn't depend on zaiphon and didn't disappear because of the chains, powers that separated him from the normal humans, powers that made his body nearly unbreakable, and powers that made him every torturer's and sadist's perfect toy.

Bu just because they wanted to play with him, that didn't mean he'd play along.

"Now, will you be a good boy?" The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a small bottle. "Open your mouth and drink that."

As if. He just kept glaring at the man, completely ignoring the second one.

"Actually, I thought so. Would've been too good to be true, if it wasn't already. You're not spoiling any of my fun, just because you're going to fight back. Actually, that makes everything even more exciting."

The other man walked up beside them and pulled out a syringe. He didn't even feel the needle because the skin on his arms was numb, but the drug burned like fire in his veins, a painful contrast to the cold that was still seeping in from the outside.

But still his gaze didn't waver as he watched the first man walking around the chair, until he was standing behind him. "We'll just start with something unimportant, like... Are you right-handed or left-handed?"

Ayanami just glared at the darkness in front of him.

"All right, I'll just guess then. And there I wanted to be nice, and start with the hand you wouldn't need anymore. But since you're not interested in that favor... Now, left or right? Left?"

He felt the man grabbing his left index finger, bending it backwards. The drug in his system had heated up the numb body parts, so he felt the sharp pain racing up his left arm, accompanied by a muted crack, which settled in his lungs and made him flinch more than he wanted to, though he managed to stay completely silent while biting his tongue.

"Since you won't tell me... Why not both?"

With a second crack the right index finger met the same fate, though this time the pain had been expected and therefore not taken as much effect as the first action had. Though it took a few seconds until his mind was working normal again, and by that time the man was standing in front of him again, now holding a knife.

"Don't be disappointed, like I said, it's just the start. There are better things to come, just be patient." With that he slowly started cutting the sleeves of Ayanami's clothes open until he could see the pale flesh. "I wonder if your blood has some amazing color, you know, rumors say you don't have blood at all!" He cut open the first layers of skin, a long straight line from the left shoulder down to the elbow. "Oh look at this, it's red just like everyone's. Now I'm a bit disappointed."

The Chief of Staff didn't know whether the strange taste in his mouth was blood or not, wasn't sure how hard he'd bitten down on his tongue until now. But that didn't matter right now, because he saw his chance. The first man bending over him, the second one just watching, and the drug had brought the feeling back into his feet. He gathered up all his strength and bent forward as much as possible, ripping open the cut on his arm more in the process, and when he had gotten his feet fully on the ground - jumped. He managed to ram his left shoulder into the first man's chest - but that was all. His energy had left him again, and he fell backwards together with the chair, crushing some more of his fingers under it when he landed on his back.

When he saw the men's annoyed looks, he grinned. A wide, devilish grin, his eyes speaking more that his mouth ever would. Those men, no, those _insects, _who didn't even have a name, nor the worth to even appear in front of his eyes, oh they should definitely enjoy their playing time. _Oh yes, and how they should. Because once it's over, there will be no more._

The first man seemed to get the message, because he ordered the second one to pull the chair back up and lifted up the knives once more.

"You're pretty cheeky for someone who's completely at our mercy."

_At your mercy? Hah, never._

"Yes indeed, you're nothing right now. Nothing but our toy."

_I am Verloren! I'll make you wish for never being born from the start!_

"You're nothing but a cheeky brat. Let me show you what you get for giving me such looks."

With that the man grabbed the Chief of Staff by the hair, and before he could realize what was going going on had cut open both of Ayanami's eyes.

Now, that was blood in his mouth for sure. The pain burned it's way into his head, down the spine and spread into his chest and abdomen. The man still didn't let go the grasp he had on his silver hair, while the man under him writhed in failing attempts to overcome both the pain and the urge to scream. When he finally backed off, the chief of Staff doubled over and pulled his legs up, bending forward as far as possible. Not because he wanted, but because that was the natural defensive stance his body wanted to shelter itself with.

"Now we're getting somewhere, aren't we?"

His senses still blinded from the fresh pain, he didn't notice the blow coming, until it hit his stomach and knocked the air out of his lungs. When he opened his mouth in a gasp, the second blow against his temple knocked his head to the side and doubled the pain still exploding from his eyes. His consciousness was rapidly fading, so he could barely hear what was spoken less than one meter beside him.

"He's still got too much energy, rip his coat off so the cold drains him faster."

"I thought we've got time?"

"Sure we have, even if there are other survivors, they won't wake up as fast as this o..."

The rest he didn't hear anymore, he just smiled to himself a little, his head turned away from the men and facing his legs again. Other survivors than him? They surely had no idea of a Warsfeil's power. It had been only him after all, Hyuuga was fast, he'd gotten far enough away before the explosion. Far enough to get away without serious injury.

A good thing, that he'd been alone. _Yes._ A good thing that Hyuuga had left his side.

He was completely alone in this darkness. No light, no sounds, no sensations.

It was unbearable. But it would end, sooner or later. He'd have to talk to Hyuuga, tell him to stay away and stop caring so much.

The darkness was still unbearable. But it was better than knowing that it'd never end, just because another person came to care for him.

The darkness didn't change, but at some point, the sounds came back. Steps and voices. Steps and voices and pain.

More drugs. They seemed to like drugs. They didn't seem to like cutting much anymore, though, they only made small cuts to pour some liquid over them - maybe saltwater, maybe alcohol, but the latter would probably too considerate.

They also liked beating. By the time he felt his third rib crack and break, the inside of his mouth was a bloody mess, and there was nothing left to bite. His lips, his tongue, everything was cut open and covered in red.

It seemed the man had noticed that, too, since he said something about having prepared something special so that he'd finally hear the Chief of Staff scream. A few seconds later Ayanami heard a soft crackling and felt a warm radiating next to his right upper arm. Fire.

The silver-haired man gritted his teeth, but that wasn't nearly enough. Even someone like him, even a mind like his, could only control the body to a certain degree, and when the man had ripped away his right sleeve and pressed the head of what seemed to be a torch against Ayanami's arm, not only short but long enough for the flames to start feasting on his skin the pain became to much and he couldn't suppress the pained cry emitting from the back of his throat, making him choke on his own breath.

This seemed to satisfy the two men, since when his senses slowly came back the heat was gone. He was barely aware of anything anymore, his whole body trembling with each labored breath he drew.

"Three days to make him yelp? Well, that's a new record, isn't it?"

Three days. It had been three days. It had felt like years.

Ah, the darkness was coming back for him. It was always coming back for him.

Complete silence. Complete blackness. Complete _nothingness_. Nothing. Not even pain.

The men he despised, who took pleasure in hurting him, even they were better than this. Because he could win over them. They were weak. They wouldn't achieve anything. They could try as much as they wanted, but anything they could possibly do - in the end it was nothing compared to his everlasting life and the things he'd seen.

Against the darkness, he couldn't do a thing. Because his life was nothing against the darkness. But as long as he learned from his mistakes, as long as life granted him another chance, he could still hope for it to end. Wait, and bear with it. Even if it was unbearable.

And eventually, it ended. In more than one way, even. His left eye had regenerated enough for him to gain back a bit of his eyesight, though the room was still pretty dark. His white shirt was now ripped and stained with his own blood.

Then he noticed a figure standing a bit away, to his left. He slowly raised his head to look at the person. It was none of the captors; this man was wearing a uniform of the Barsburg military. Without a single sound like a footstep the figure approached and kneeled down in front of the Chief of Staff, looking up at him sadly.

"I'm sorry this had to happen to you..."

Ayanami just smiled.

"You're not to blame. I'm glad to see you, Yukikaze."


	3. Yukikaze

**Oh geez, I almost forgot about uploading this chapter. But some strange train of thoughts brought me back from 'reed' and 'police helicopter' to 'fanfic'. It's super late, so I'll keep it short, enjoy~**

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Three days. Three. Goddamn. Days.

_Why?_

Hyuuga barely resisted the urge to kick over the table and cut it to pieces, the smaller the better.

Of course Konatsu had told him flat out that there was no point in searching, alone and after so much time had passed. Hyuuga knew it himself, but he wasn't in the mood to just accept it and sit down. But the fact was, there was nothing to start the search with, nothing to look for. The snow had covered up all traces of the fight, and if you were to look back at the battleground, it'd look as perfectly white and innocent as if nothing ever happened. As if that wasn't enough, the Chief of Staff's dark energy had completely disappeared, so Hyuuga couldn't even use that to get a vague idea of the other man's location.

The next day Konatsu told him, that no one besides him and the major knew of the fact that Ayanami went missing, and the only reason they were still at Antwort was because they wanted to treat all of the wounded men before leaving.

Hyuuga just went off to search on his own, anyway.

Every day, for the rest of the week.

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Violet eyes opened, just to stare into complete blackness, yet again.

He didn't know, not anymore, whether it was the darkness that had come back, or just a very dark corner of the room, or maybe he had closed his eyes again already, or maybe he didn't open them to begin with. He didn't care, anyway. But then he noticed he couldn't see, or _feel_, Yukikaze anywhere, so it was the darkness for sure. Because Yukikaze couldn't follow him there, everywhere but not there. It made him hate that place even more.

The men had kept their usual pattern, beating him, cutting only a bit, they didn't burn him a second time, or maybe he just hadn't noticed or couldn't remember. It didn't matter to him, he cold easily ignore every of their action.

Because Yukikaze was there now. He couldn't do a thing, but he was there. Standing in a corner, unnoticed by the men, he was smiling. A sad, pained smile but still a smile, and Ayanami just smiled back.

He never took his eyes of the loyal begleiter. The men noticed that, him staring past them, but they couldn't see Yukikaze. They laughed, shrugging it of. He probably went crazy, they said.

But he wasn't. He was calm and sane, all thanks to Yukikaze.

That didn't even change when they raped him, just to try it. But it obviously wasn't as much fun as they had thought it would be, because they only did it twice, maybe thrice, he didn't know.

He couldn't see him anymore, lying on the ground, but he knew Yukikaze was watching them. Yukikaze wouldn't look away, because they weren't that weak. The men had no idea what they had gotten themselves into. They thought no one would ever know? Laughable, there was someone who knew everything. Laughable.

And so he laughed.

Because he could. Yukikaze was there, nothing else mattered. It was different from the darkness.

But there was more. The times when neither the men, nor the darkness wanted him. When he was alone with Yukikaze.

Those times could be divided into two categories: Nice Yukikaze and angry Yukikaze.

There were times when his begleiter would tell him everything was going to be all right, it wouldn't take long anymore until he'd get out. That the others hadn't left without him, that they'd never do that, they were still searching for him.

He never answered anything, he couldn't. He wanted to, though. Voice how stupid it was, for them to stay in enemy territory longer than necessary. How Hyuuga should think before running out to search and waste his energy in the white desert. But he couldn't and that was fine, too, because he could just keep listening to Yukikaze's voice. Let Yukikaze take care of him until the darkness came.

But there were also times when it was different. Yukikaze was still there, but he would not try to help, wouldn't act the way he usually did.

Then, he laughed at Ayanami, asked if those questions had been a joke - 'glad to have served under him'? He had died because of that, who was glad about death? And how people could be as stupid as Hyuuga and still try to help someone like the Chief of Staff. That he didn't deserve any of that, and Yukikaze would've been glad if he never met the other man. That he should be thankful for what the men just did do him, for that was the best he could ever get, since no one would ever love him. That he didn't deserve to be loved.

The silver-haired man knew that this wasn't really Yukikaze. That those weren't really the words of his begleiter, they were much more his own thoughts. But it still hurt, hearing them spoken out loud; in the voice of the man he trusted most.

It hurt much more than anything the men could ever do.

When only minutes later everything changed, and the nice, old Yukikaze was back, telling him that he didn't mean it that way, and he could _feel _his begleiter's fingers brush over his left cheek, wiping away the few tears he hadn't know he still possessed, he didn't know who he was anymore.

Gentleness was just the same as hate to him. Both hurt.

Both were still better than the darkness, better than _nothing._

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Hyuuga refused to give up.

One week had passed, four days since he'd woken up. The pain from his back had disappeared, but he hadn't cared for that from the start.

Their time was running out, they had to head back soon, and he hadn't found Ayanami yet. He'd gone farther every day, but the scenery never changed. There was nothing, _absolutely nothing_, that could change the situation and keep Hyuuga from driving himself crazy.

Just like every day he returned alone.


	4. Hyuuga

**Yeah. Okay, this time I really did forget about the chapter, sorry.**** And you'll notice that a lot of things will happen. Maybe a bit too much for your taste, it could start to get slightly confusing. But that's the point, because everyone **_**in**_** the fic is getting confused with the events, too. Cheers!**

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_"It's been one week."_ Yukikaze said and Ayanami looked up. He was once again sitting on the chair, but not bound to it anymore, since to him, it was hard enough not to fall off.

_"I'm so sorry that I can't do anything to help you get out of here, Ayanami-sama."_

_It's fine. As long as you're here with me, it doesn't really matter._

_"There's one thing I can do, though." _Yukikaze smiled. _"Listen to me. Next time the men are going to come back with a knife again. They'll just beat you at first and then they'll tell you that they're going to cut you open like an animal. Then one man is going to stab the knife into you stomach, but leave it there. If you were to crouch together, it should be possible to reach the knife with your mouth. They aren't expecting any more resistance."_

At that, Ayanami just smiled.

_What would I do without you?_

There was no need to question any of the information, Yukikaze wouldn't lie to him. Yukikaze, he could trust. With his life, with his soul.

And that he did. Everything happened as his begleiter had predicted. He took the blows without flinching, but when he heard the first man tell how they were going to cut open and gut him like a pig, he closed his eyes. A few seconds later he felt the blade dive into his abdomen and doubled over from the pain - yes, he could indeed reach the knife. So he caught the handle between his teeth, ripped the blade out and in one movement jumped up and cut open the first man's throat. The latter was a lucky coincidence; the man had been standing close to him.

The second one just stared, as if he didn't believe what was going on, and soon followed the first man's fate. Ayanami hit the ground not far from the soon-to-be-dead men, fighting to stay conscious himself. He scraped together some more energy to turn and grab the dropped knife with his still chained hands, trying to get the shackles off, and eventually he got lucky and found a weak spot of the old, brittle material.

Now, that he could feel his power come back - it wasn't much, most of it must've left his body with the rest of his energy, but it was more than _nothing_ - he tried to heal some of the wounds, but the results didn't quite satisfy him. His eyes were healed, but his right one was still blind. The cuts and burns were probably infected by now, he didn't even start thinking about his chest and abdomen.

Slowly the silver-haired man got up and dragged himself over to the door. He had no idea where he was, and how many more people were waiting if he left the room.

_"Don't worry." _Yukikaze was standing next to him. _"Just wait a bit. There are others, but they're going to leave soon. Seems those two where the only ones who had fun with his kind of thing, the others always leave shortly before they come back from their 'work'. They don't want to have to listen to their stories."_

_You're a lifesaver._

_"I'm just doing my job as your begleiter."_

_I guess so. _Ayanami smiled at the bloody ground in front of him. Yes, Yukikaze and no one else_ was his precious trusted person._

So he waited, trying to gain back some more energy and heal some small wounds, so that he at least could speak again. His body was mostly numb, but just because he didn't feel it that didn't mean the cold was gone. He slid over to one of the corpses and started pulling the coat of, what was considerably more difficult than he wanted it to be. But going out like this was no option, his shirt and pants were ripped and there was no real use to them anymore. For some reason his boots were practically unscathed, though. Probably the men hadn't bothered about them.

The coat was a bit too wide and terribly heavy, standing up hadn't been easy from the start, but now, with the extra weight it felt close to impossible. Still he managed it somehow, as for failure wasn't an option to Ayanami. So when Yukikaze informed him that the place was cleared, he made his way out as fast as possible...

...And was standing in the white again. He looked around, but there were no signs that could lead him back to the ship, so he just started walking, away from the place to where other men would surely come back later. Shortly after he was completely lost, he couldn't even see much anymore, since after being in the dark for so long, the bright sky and snow blinded his one healed eye yet again. He didn't feel the cold anymore, since there was practically no heat left in his body, and hadn't been for the last few days.

Both Hyuuga and Konatsu immediately looked up startled, when they could feel their superior's dark power again. Before his begleiter could say anything, the major had left the room and was hurrying down the hallways in order to finally bring his Aya-tan back.

All the bigger was the shock for Konatsu, when also on the seventh day Hyuuga returned alone.

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Hyuuga didn't particularly dislike snow, but right now, he _hated _it. It was too deep and slowed him down to a speed that was still amazing, but in his eyes unbearable, especially now when he wanted to gain every second he could.

He didn't look back, always ahead, following the weak feeling of dark power.

Weak, yes, that it was. Nothing like what he was used to, he found it disturbing and unsettling, but there was nothing to be done. At least it _was_ there, that was better than _nothing_.

Still, he didn't expect what he'd find.

Ayanami for his part didn't expect the major to suddenly appear in front of him, either. Obviously his body was too tired to sense anyone's power, if it had been an enemy he would've been killed for sure. Maybe he was lucky. Yeah, lucky. Oh irony.

He slowly looked up, which was an irritating effort in itself, and could barely make out the figure in front of him.

Strange, why wasn't Hyuuga smiling as usual? Everyone was still alive; he should value that, shouldn't he? Now that he looked a bit closer, the major didn't look like he was injured, at least not badly, so why did he look like he was in pain? Ayanami didn't understand, but wasn't in the mood to try harder to get it, either. There was something more important, anyway, and sice Hyuuga just stared without saying a word...

"Major. We have to talk." He was pretty sure his voice didn't sound as it usually did, either, but at least it seemed to work somehow.

That seemed to end whatever thoughts Hyuuga may have had, he blinked and stepped closer.

"No, Aya-tan, we have to go back quickly! What happened?"

"There's time for that later..." He was in no mood to explain that now. "There's something more important."

"What are you talking about? Where have you been? What happened? What are you doing here all alone?" Normally he would've just dropped the subject, like his Aya-tan wanted it, but right now he was too confused to do anything else but voice the questions that had stuck in his mind for the last days.

Funnily enough, why did Aya-tan give him this bewildered look?

"What are you talking about? I'm not alone."

"Well, yeah..." Hyuuga scratched his head awkwardly. "Not anymore... But before I arrived."

"Neither."

"What?"

"Yukikaze is here with me." Ayanami said deadpan, while giving his major an annoyed glance.

To Hyuuga, time seemed to freeze, if only for a moment. Then he felt anger boiling up within him, though he didn't know where to direct it. He wasn't really angry at the Chief of Staff, who probably didn't have any idea what was going on - even if that sounded crazy, it was probably the case this time. He was angry at Yukikaze, though. For some reason or the other, but heck, that guy was dead and had been _for years_. So it only left himself to be angry at, but that didn't help them in the slightest, either.

_Take it slow. Take it slow._ That's what he kept telling himself over and over again, he knew he _had_ to say something, but he couldn't allow it to be the wrong thing, that could probably destroy everything.

He decided to speak the truth.

"Aya-tan... You know. Yukikaze's dead."

"What are you talking about? He's standing right next to me." Ayanami said, a bit annoyed but mostly tired. Why did that candy-devouring major have to start a discussion _now_?

"No he's not." Hyuuga stepped closer. "It's no one there, and you know it."

Ayanami just looked at him unimpressed.

"...You know it..." Hyuuga took a step back, confused and a bit shocked by what was just coming to his mind. That he was right.

"It's not the right time for stupid pranks, H-"

Ayanami blinked, something was missing. Wasn't he just about to say something? Yes, the man standing in front of him, his name. What was that man's name?

He couldn't remember it.

Hyuuga hadn't even noticed, he'd already gotten angry after the first five words.

"Oh, come on! Who are you lying to? Me? Yourself? Or are you trying to trick the snow? Guess what, not even the ice is going to fall for it." He growled, raising one arm and pointing next to his superior.

"Where's he standing? Here? There? Well then, does he leave footprints in the snow? He doesn't, does he? _He's not here,_ Aya-tan! Did you try to touch him? No you didn't! Because you know your fingers would go right through, and then that stupid dream would end. Come on, _try it_! I know it and you know it, too, he's fake."

Ayanami didn't move, just continued to look at Hyuuga indifferently.

Hyuuga had expected a lot, he'd even expected the Chief of Staff to give him some kind of punishment, or just act as if he hadn't listened, but the reaction he got still managed to hit him right in the face.

"So what?"

This just couldn't be true. This _had _to be a dream, a really bad one, too.

"You've got to be kidding me." Hyuuga managed to pull a confused grin on his face, a rarely seen expression. That day should be marked in the calendar a hundred times. "Ah, I get it, but it's not funny, sorry Aya-tan."

"I'm serious. What's wrong with you?"

Now that was just too much.

"What's wrong with _me_? Do you even listen to your own words? You can't seriously tell me tha..." The words died in his throat, thanks to the way Ayanami was still looking at him. No, he was wrong. "No... You can..."

With that, he took another step back, but before he could say anything more, the other man spoke again.

"There's something else I wanted to tell you, though. I'd like you to stay further away from me than you did before. From now on, keep your distance. And that's an order that you shouldn't ignore, if you want to live."

Hyuuga couldn't even think of any possible answers anymore. He turned on the spot and returned to the ship without looking back even once. He completely ignored the poor Konatsu, who looked like he didn't get _anything_ anymore. And maybe he really didn't. The major ignored the questions, the looks, the soldiers in the hallways. He really didn't want to see or hear _anything_ right now. He went back to his room, slammed the door shut, locking it, and went to sit on a couch, staring at a table in front of him. In the next second, that table was no more, but instead could be counted as firewood or even matches.

But still, that was nothing. He could chop up something of the size of their ship and it probably wouldn't be enough.

Damn it all.

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_"Ayanami-sama, mind if I say something?"_

"Go ahead." Ayanami said while walking back to the ship himself, following the footprints Hyuuga left in the snow.

_"I don't think that's going to go well, the way it is now."_

"He'll get over it, he's not some stupid kid. He has to deal with the blows against to his pride."

_"I don't really think that the major's pride is the problem here, Ayanami-sama."_

"Oh really." No more words were spoken until the ship came into view and Ayanami found himself relieved that it wasn't far anymore, forcing his body to stay strong all the way surely wouldn't go without consequences. But since it was either this or staying back in the white desert he was willing to bear them once he'd reached his destination.

He'd expected Konatsu to be the first person he'd meet, the young blonde was terribly confused by everything that happened and Hyuuga's strange behavior, but the Chief of Staff clearly lacked the endurance to put up with it now. He just left the begleiter behind with a few words - that he'd explain later - and went to his room where he immediately dropped the heavy coat off and went to sit down at the edge of the bed.

After a few seconds examining his own appearance he made the effort to get up again and search for a new shirt, with the old one ripped and bloody, missing one sleeve completely, you could only guess what it originally was. He found one that was a bit wide, but he didn't care about the exact size right now. On his way back he locked the door and finally ended up on the bed, lying on his back but with his eyes directed to Yukikaze, who was standing beside the window, watching him.

"You look like you want to say something. Just speak."

_"I think you already came to that conclusion yourself, but I can't stay here forever."_

"I guessed so." He smiled slightly. "Still, thanks for visiting."

_"If you wake up, I'll be gone."_

"If? So it's that bad with this body?" He was already past the point where he could estimate the damage he'd taken himself, but he hadn't planned on letting that be of any importance. He blinked a few times as he noticed that now that his willpower had faded, his consciousness was also rapidly slipping from his grasp.

_"I'm afraid so. But there's one last thing. If you wish so, you can come with me."_

"With you...?"

_"Yes. But you have to to make your choice now." _Yukikaze said, while giving the silver-haired man a sad smile.

And so, Ayanami made his choice.


	5. Stay with me

**Here goes the final chapter… Actually I wanted to end the fic with chapter four, and leave everything else up to your imagination, but since I'm such a good person… Heh. Enjoy.**

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Hyuuga was lying on his back, on the couch beside the splints of wood that had been a table not too long ago. He was trying to sort things out in his mind, maybe his reaction had been too rash, but he still couldn't really believe it. The whole hallucination-thing about Yukikaze wasn't the problem, but the fact that Ayanami _knew _it but chose to act as if he _didn't _really got him.

_So Aya-tan would rather live with this faked happiness instead of living with us, huh?_

This thought was more than depressing, but he didn't want to give up. He'd never just give up and hand his Aya-tan over to someone else. Yukikaze had had his chance, and he'd made the Chief of staff happy, but also sad, and that's what Hyuuga didn't like about it. That Yukikaze was _fake_, and he'd only make his Aya-tan unhappy again. Even if the Chief of Staff tried, there was no way to avoid it.

He decided to wait a bit, cool down and then go to clear everything up, face to face, but it felt as if time had stopped, even the snowflakes he could see through the window seemed to fall in slow-motion.

He didn't know for how long he was able to bear it, but by the time it was getting dark outside the silence was close to driving him insane. But before that'd happen, he got up and left the room to pay his Aya-tan a visit. Because that's what the other man would stay, _his _Aya-tan, and he'd do better than Yukikaze. He wouldn't let anyone take what was his.

When he arrived at the room he sensed Ayanami in, he wasn't surprised to find the door locked. But that wasn't going to prevent him from entering, only a second late he'd already kicked the door open. Who cared about this stuff, anyway?

He wasn't surprised to find the other man asleep, either, he still didn't really know what had happened, but Aya-tan probably needed, so he decided it was a good thing and he'd just wait instead of waking him up.

This decision was instantly overwritten, when he noticed that he _didn't notice _the sound of breathing or anything else. That was in no case a good thing, and reason enough to try waking Ayanami up.

"Aya-tan! Come on, wake up already! Aya-taaan~" he tried to sound as cheerful as he usually did, but that wasn't exactly easy, regarding the situation. He made an attempt of shaking the other's shoulders, only to find that he couldn't. To him, it felt as if his Aya-tan would break if he tried something rougher, so he just pulled him up to hug him. And check his pulse, even if a part of him didn't really want to. That part would rather have the uncertainty of not knowing, but at the same time would be able to hope for the best, instead of having a fact that couldn't be changed even if one tried.

And maybe that's just the way Ayanami had felt with his fake Yukikaze, Hyuuga thought. Still, he wouldn't forgive. Who, that he didn't know, but it didn't matter to him, either.

His thoughts were only interrupted when he felt the body in his arms shift slightly and Ayanami lifted his head from Hyuuga's shoulder, where the dark-haired man had put it. Hyuuga felt the urge to squeeze his Aya-tan, but remembered just in time that that'd probably be the worst thing to do right now, and instead loosened his grip a little, though he didn't want to let go completely.

"Ne, Aya-tan, that was already the second time you scared me like that. That's soo mean of you!" He tried to make it sound as if he was pouting, but actually he was sincerely smiling at the pillow somewhere in front of him.

"Hyuuga... What are you doing here?"

"I was worried about my Aya-tan, of course!"

"You shouldn't be here..."

"I can very well decide on my own, thank you." Hyuuga frowned; he didn't like the way this conversation was taking, if it could be called one. "If it's because of Yukikaze, that why I'm her-"

"Yukikaze's gone."

"Oh." Well, part of him had expected that, part of him hadn't... At least not that soon. Either way he was confused, because now he didn't know what to say next. If that issue had kinda solved itself, which would be the next one? But before he could decide, Ayanami did that for him.

"You should leave, too. Now. That's an order."

"What? No way!" Now he was really pouting, even though he was more confused than before. "I'm not gonna leave my Aya-tan all alone here. I'm here to protect you, am I not?"

"Not anymore."

Well, _now _Hyuuga was truly speechless, trying to make sense of the words the Chief of Staff had just said. Was he angry at him, because he hadn't protected him on the battlefield? So it _was _Hyuuga's fault after all, and Ayanami wanted to replace him?

No, that couldn't be true. Never. _Never. _

"A-Aya-tan? What do you mean with 'not anymore'?"

"I had one week to think about it, and I came to the decision that you came too close to being my begleiter, so I'll have you stay away from me from now on."

"But... That's what I'm there for, to replace a begleiter."

"Yes, but I don't need someone like that anymore."

"Sounds more like you don't _want _one anymore..."

"Maybe. Yes. I don't want someone like that anymore."

Wow. Well, amazing how fast a situation could change from bad, to worse, to complete disaster. His Aya-tan didn't want him anymore... Hyuuga didn't move, he was frozen on this spot, with his Aya-tan still in his arms.

"It's the best for you."

"How can you say that?" Now Hyuuga let go completely and watched Ayanami fall back on his back, looking up at him with cold dead eyes as always. "All I want to do is stay with you and protect you, I'm not leaving." He stated, choosing that that would be the wisest thing to do right now.

"Because it's true. The only reason you can talk to me like this, is because you did _not _stay with me, but went to help Konatsu. If you hadn't left me, but kept trying to protect me instead, we'd both ended up close to the center of the explosion and you'd probably be dead by now." Ayanami said deadpan, and the words cut right into Hyuuga's heart as if they were swords made of ice.

"Aya-tan's mean..." And even worse, Aya-tan was right.

The logic was flawless and based on facts Hyuuga had ignored until now; there was nothing to oppose it with. Quietly, he got up and turned to leave.

_Leave. _Really? He was really just _leaving_?

_No way, I'm not leaving._ Well, now he was. Walking down the hallways back to where he'd come from. It was so pathetic he wanted to laugh. Wasn't that just what Yukikaze had done? Just leave? Wasn't he better that Yukikaze? Wouldn't he protect his Aya-tan and never let him go?

But if he died, wasn't he even worse than Yukikaze, for promising to be better than him and failing?

He didn't even know where he was anymore, but suddenly Konatsu was standing right in front of him and he stopped walking.

"Eh, Major Hyuuga, what's wrong?" the young blonde asked, obviously worried.

Hyuuga scratched his head and gave his begleiter a wry smile. "Just thinkin', I guess. Also, I'm lost."

Konatsu sighed heavily and turned around. "One should thing everyone knows the ship by now. Just follow me... Oh, also we're departing soon."

"All ri- Konatsu! _That's it!_ You're amazing! I'm so glad you're my begleiter!" Hyuuga practically beamed, causing Konatsu to blush slightly and every soldier in the hallway to turn and look what was going on.

"Ma-Major Hyuuga, what's that about?"

"I'll tell ya later! Maybe!" Hyuuga had already turned around and suddenly remembered exactly which way he'd taken and how he'd get back to his Aya-tan.

Said man had just watched Hyuuga leaven and sighed, he'd expected something around that reaction, so he was fine with it... More or less. At least that's what he told himself, that he was fine with it. That's why he was confused when Hyuuga was back, grinning brightly, as if he'd just gone crazy. Well, maybe he had, the Chief of Staff thought, but in the end it just added to his own confusion. He should be angry that Hyuuga came back, that's what he told himself, and some part of him actually was annoyed by the fact that the major still hadn't learned to follow orders, but another part of him... Well... Thus, the confusion.

"...What?" was all he had to say, while watching Hyuuga walked up beside the bed and sat down just where he'd been sitting before.

"I got the per~fect solution, wanna hear it~? No, don't answer, I'm gonna tell you anyway." He grinned, looking somewhat like a child proud of himself for coming up with an answer for a difficult riddle.

"Soo~ You don't want me to stay, because, yeah, well I still think it's pretty mean, but I kinda get the idea behind it. But like I said, no way I'm gonna leave... No, don't say anything, that just now was... Nevermind that." Hyuuga leaned forward. "So the answer to all our problems is... You're going to come with _me._" He grinned sitting up properly again. "See, if I'd taken you with me back then, everything would be just fine, wouldn't it?"

Ayanami just stared at him for a few more seconds, then he closed his eyes and chuckled softly. "You're an idiot. Both of you."

"Why now? Stop being mean for a second, I'm trying to make my point here. And what do you mean with 'both of you'?"

"Yukikaze asked me just the same thing... Whether I wanted to come with him, or stay... It was my chioce."

"Ah." Hyuuga just kept quiet for a few seconds. So that's how it was, but in the end it didn't change anything. "I'm happy you're still here." He smiled slightly.

Ayanami just went back to looking at him with a neutral expression. "Still, there's no logic behind your so called solution."

"Maybe. But I'm not Yukikaze, I'm not giving you a choice. You're coming with me."

With that, he pulled his Aya-tan back into his arms and started walking out of the room before the other man could even try to resist. He didn't have to go far, just one or two doors while trying to pull the handle, until one opened and he stepped in.

"That's not your room." Ayanami told him dryly.

"Well, now it is. Your room's far too cold, and the door's broken."

"You're the one who broke it in the first place."

"Thanks to you, I had no choice." He kicked the door shut behind him and locked it, before he went over to the bed, where he took the silver-haired man back into his arms after he won the struggle the blankets were putting up. He wasn't wearing his coat inside of the ship, either, his swords were leaning to the wall next to the bed.

"You're too close, it's cramped." Ayanami growled, trying to shift into a more comfortable position.

"Nope, I think it's just fine." While he allowed the shifting, Hyuuga didn't let the other man move away from him. Said man just gave up on arguing completely, seeing that there was just no point in doing so, he just sighed inwardly and closed his eyes.

Hyuuga smiled and started running his fingers through the silver but dirty and also somewhat bloody hair. He was about to ask, when he felt his Aya-tan relax in his arms, and instead just smiled and whispered "Told ya~"

After all it _was _nice and warm, to have someone close to you.


End file.
